Catblog I

Rescued from a balcony after his owners had abandoned their high-rise flat, Mr TUVOK, a thin slip of a thing when we met him, came home with us from local cat charity CatCall. He has blossomed into a resourceful and lovely cat (torn ear notwithstanding). When he was young, and lived with us in Cambridge Road, his training took place in all of the cat martial arts under a sensei called ‘Burmese’ Earl. TUVOK will walk away from trouble when he can but if he gets pushed too far – WATCH OUT!

Another refugee from CatCall, Mr SAREK was a small, squitty ball of ginger fluff when he slipped out of the carrying basket and into Cambridge Road. He has gradually learned to relax with us after a shaky start with a nasty family, and has now becomes Mr Tuvok’s fast friend and stairway nemesis. He’s fast, he’s often furious and he loves to play.

While we thought Tuvok had left forever, we consoled ourselves with yet another CatCall refugee, MR KHAN. Part siamese, part housecat, all man and prone to fits up and downstairs as he chases himself for reasons unknown …

Sunday 29th February | No marriage proposals for either cat. Weather sleety and snowy. Enemy count |3| so far (Bumble once, Stig twice) Early teatime (3pm) Ground too hard to dig so next door’s bushes will suffice.

Tuesday March 2nd | Day spent in the yellow bedroom – the warmest spot in the place. Enemy count low so far |0| Woke the man and woman at 6.30am for breakfast – good response.

Thursday March 4th | Reenactment of ‘Fight Club’ very successful, and the man and the woman got out of bed to enjoy it, with their usual cries of ‘Stop it!’ and ‘For God’s sake’. Trouble with Fluffy in the alley last night. He won’t leave Mr Sarek alone, and we fear that underneath his violent exterior, he may have developed a ‘crush’. Foggy morning, so time to change beds – top bedroom > middle back bedroom.

Sunday March 7th | An immediate |2| this morning with Stig and Bumble and hailstones to boot. Man was the worse for wear last night and lit a big fire, then retired ‘hurt’ to bed, leaving the fire for us. Training is obviously working. Family visit today, so we’ll be keeping an eye on the one that doesn’t like cats so we can ‘dog’ them mercilessly.

Monday March 8th | Still no resolution to the coal bucket situation. The man left the newspaper off last night so of course we peed in it. It’s a bucket, right? Man and woman seemed mortified by this and by the sooty footsteps leading away. Toilet or not? You decide

Friday March 12th | What a stinker! Rain all day and the man eating strange things he calls POTNOODEL and SNEEKYSANCHEZ. A day for rumination and reflection and, of course, the obligatory ‘run up and down stairs and bite each other’ spell from 10am onwards until tired.

Tuesday March 16th | Enemy count |2| (Tuvok) chased in by Stig and Bumble – bastards! Two onto one as well. Plan to shit in their garden later. Man said many bad words and ran out after them but too late – they scattered and hid (ha) No support from Sarek – words later I feel …

Tuesday 23rd March | Older man has moved in with a broken foreleg to be ‘looked after’ – although he gets HIS food on the table! Cats next door continue to amaze with their stupidity and violence – they’re almost human. Next door’s small black addition appeared on the flat roof this morning – looks harmless enough but you never know … perhaps we can win him over. Enemy count |1|

Monday 29th March | Man and woman back from a weekend in Brighton. Kept and fed by woman’s sister – very friendly and lets us watch Ant and Dec! Small, black and fearsome appeared on the fence again. Discuss possible hostage situation with Sarek today. Enemy count |1|

4th April 2004 | What a week. Man and woman have been tidying frantically because they’re ‘selling up’ (?) while we stay out of the way. Many enemy incursions – Fluffy’s deepening crush on Sarek is a worry. We’ve learned that next door’s black and tiny is called Kato (not now, Kato har-har). Weather continues to improve.

20th April 2004 | Long time no blog. Man and woman very busy – talking about ‘offeronthehouse’ and ‘whatsizegarden’ and other rubbish. Changes afoot. Detente of a sort has been reached with Bumble and Kato but Fluffy and Stig continue to plague us |4| Man’s family descended last weekend, so we made ourselves scarce but came back later for the buffet pickings. Sunny today so maybe a sniff in the garden and a widdle in Fluffy’s flowerbed.

27th April 2004 | In the study today – man said over the phone that they have ‘madeoffer’ and want to ‘getgoing’ on a new house. Careful listening suggests it is a quiet road with a large garden and an absence of Stig, Fluffy AND Bumble. At last. No more pointless fisticuffs. No more incursions (except for the cats at the new house!) We’re both very happy (sniffle) and will spend the day in contemplation. And sleeping.

7th May 2004 | Man and woman swinging between elation and despair as house thing proceeds. First it’s ‘lovelygarden’ and ‘soquiet’ then it’s ‘allthatwork’ and ‘terriblebarfroom’. Ho hum. Cat next door is missing (Willow) and posters are everywhere. One less enemy but still very sad. Weather variable. |5| – mainly Fluffy, what’s wrong with him?

15th May 2004 | Man very restless what with house moving, chav trouble, broken doorbell and thefts at work. Woman puts up with him in a saintly fashion while we look on. Quiet in the garden, tho’, with some sort of ceasefire having been struck with Stig and Bumble, and the only real trouble being with Fluffy. Still, this was his house before, so maybe that has twisted him to the point of snapping. Looking forward to moving as we have promised ‘grassygarden’, ‘summerhouse’, ‘newflaps’ and ‘sumi’, which we think is a proposed addition to the team. We’ll see …

21st May 2004 | catBLOG! Better than human …
Weather has taken a turn for the worse. Man and woman have cleared out the loft and placed many empty boxes to scratch all over the upstairs. And scratch we do … God bless the inventor of the halogen heater and the food pouch (single and double) … would like to say goodbye to Fluffy, Bumble etc. but without thumbs we cannot wire the requisite device (hem-hem)

7th June 2004 | Man and woman back from ‘rome’ – their coats have changed colour slightly but otherwise the same. Big biff-up with Fluffy this morning. Bastardo! But it was funny when he ran up the wall and fell down backwards …

21st June 2004 | Planned move has ‘fallenthru’ and man and woman were a bit mopey for a while, but seem to have snapped out of it. House is now for sale for ‘moremunny’. Less incursions in the garden as Summer draws on – Stig and Fluffy must be bullying and intimidating further afield. Garden looks lovely thanks to woman’s care. Ho hum. Roll on winter and a real fire, wherever we live.

13th July 2004 | Hoowee, how the time do fly! All quiet except for a change of Estate Agent. Man’s album is finished and he keeps putting it on and making the woman listen to it. Weather is variable, so fight practice has moved indoors for now. Sarek’s uphill speed is improving but he can still be surprised with his back to the room looking for a mouse where the man says ‘theresnomouses’ More soon – Cassandra coming with the promise of ‘quietlife’ and ‘kindwords’

1st August 2004 | Hot enough for ya?!? The ginge and I are taking it easy as the man and women jet off to ‘servil’ and the sister comes to care for us. Stig reasonably active but Kato working for us now on the inside. Man got Stig in his hiding place with a well-aimed ‘glasawarter’ the other day – we had a good chuckle over it. Sarek recovering well from his injuries and has the glint of revenge in his yellow eyes. On with the Summer!!

30th August 2004 | Here comes the Autumn at last. Man and woman are discussing ‘chimblysweep’ and studying the log situation. Barbecue tomorrow with the possibility of ‘goodlickens’. Also – older male has gone to his ‘nooflat’ in the old town, so the ginger and I have the pink bedroom to ourselves (pix to follow) – and a brand new second-hand quilty thing to lay on. It’s a cat’s life!

7th September 2004 | The bath mat and indeed the bathroom seem to be exerting a strange hold over us, esp. the ginge. Is it the comparative quiet of the room? The knobbly rug, so soothing on the belly? Or just the fact that it’s a halfway house on the upstairs-downstairs run-and-bite route. What do you think? Anyhoo, footprints to leave in the bath, and relief to be sought in the large pottery portaloo (chiminea?) that the man and woman have installed in the garden. Snug.

14th September 2004 | Hoo – windy! Everything in the garden is rocking and rolling, and there goes Bumble with his fur blown the wrong way! HA! Man has begun a bondage experiment with the bamboo and the ginge is in extra-squeaky mode. Looks like we’re staying here for the winter at least. Soon the chimbley will be swept (if it doesn’t blow down first) and the logs and coal will be rolling in. No sign of the new kitten yet. Perhaps for Christmas?

23rd September | Things change! Bumble is really called Jumble! Fluffy is really called Mortimer (fnurr-fnurr) but not as funny as Bob. Stig has had a ‘blowtothehead’ and is acting strang(er). And Mr Sarek has taken to seeking out and gnawing upon what the man and woman call ‘emrybords’ all the while purring and dribbling. Strange – man checked his teeth and they’re fine, tho not so big as to need filing. Prevert!

22nd October | The season of mists and mellow fruitfullness is upon us, and Jumble has been attempting to give the ginge a bit of ‘fruitfullness’ down the alley. Luckily the man intervened and like a coward, the fat bum legged it.

2nd November | What a p**s-poor Hallowe’en that was. Two sets of two winkies at the door and a useless basketfull of sweets and treats resting forlorn and unclaimed on the hall carpet. Pish! Man and woman are back from ‘witbi’ or wherever and the word ‘goth’ is popping up with increasing regularity. Wot do it mean, eh? My foot aches where Stig bit me but revenge is well worth waiting for. The ginge is squeaky, as per usual. More fires as the winter draws on. Mmmm … logs and coal.

16th November | The man has had a ‘birfday’ and seemed very happy as all the others gave him things. Then! DUH! The ginge went missing. I knew where he was of course, but I kept schtum while the man and woman went slowly frantic. Dipstick had, of course, got stuck in next door’s shed and was squeaking pathetically all night. The man managed to raise the neighbours finally at 8am and get the ‘poor little boy’ out of his predicament. Hahahahaha! Dipstick! We’ll see if he’s learned his lesson. In the meantime the man is trying to involve us in a new website of cats relaxing or something. As you can imagine, these pictures are not hard to come by. We’ll see …

2nd December | Ho hum – there’s turkey on the way. Man is glum as no-one is shopping at his shop and he missed his Wednesday treat. Still, delicate little flower that he is, he’s playing at a poetry evening on Friday and we suspect he will ‘drinktomuch’. Beds are moving all over the house and there are new play opportunities aplenty – claws ahoy! Man says the new ‘sleepicat’ website is proceeding and we can stare at it soon. We’ll see. Woman is lovely as usual and largely bemused by man, no wonder.

9th December | New bed! The ‘roomatthetop’ is finished and now has a double bed! Good layins! From there the ginge and I can watch the twinkling lights of the town wink into view at nightfall as we take our ease. There’s room for all as well, as the man and woman have sadly realised and they plan to invade nearer the weekend (we’ve heard them) and enjoy a Sunday slump. Man has ‘hurthimself’ manhandling the new cupboards, bought on Ebay (?), and now he won’t stop whingeing. He moans when the shop is busy and he moans when it’s quiet. Honestly!

31st December | Christmas has come and gone – plenty of lamb and turkey and a new squeaky mouse that goes ‘eeee’ when you hit it. Man and woman gave out many gifts and received many in return and the hall was blocked for a bit, but it’s clear now. Plenty of good layins in the snug room at the top, although the sudden purchase of a radio alarm suggests the ‘cats only’ days may be on the wane. See you all soon in the New Year.
PS – Stig’s dad and mum came round for a drink last night – most unnerving, but no sign of the Stigmeister, who has driven Jumble to another house with his unrelenting evil.

12th January 2005 | CATBLOG! Live in 2005! Happy New Year. Man and woman now ensconced in the top room. Sarek has twice been locked in the lounge, although to be fair it’s his own fault, as he blends in with the colour scheme. New ‘radioalarm’ upstairs bleats every morning in a most annoying way, and the man and woman must hate the sight of it, because each night the man puts his pants over it, mumbling about ‘britelite’. Stig is still mad despite the new year – no resolutions there – and Jumble is now more often than not seen in the window opposite, having blagged his way into another house. Turkey and lamb are just a memory now, although there is a tin of Portuguese pilchards on the side. More to follow …

25th January 2005 | Who’s grassed me up? Tiddles? Mitzi? Sheba? Cato? Anyway, I’ve reset my spam-catcher so it won’t allow the word ‘Viagra’ through ever again. I ask you! Since when do cats need, or deserve, emails offering them sex meds? But there it was, large as life – – and twice as pointless. Everyone knows I’m Mr Lubba-lubba round these parts. No more. Thanks.

20th February 2005 | SUSPENDED | Where the hell are you, Tuvok? – Sarek

27th February 2005 | Sarek, at your service. Tuvok is still missing, presumed relocated. What did we do? Was I too rough? Did I pig the food? Questions, questions … man and woman still distraught but able to think straight enough to consider a new playmate for poor, lovely, lonely little me. No names so far, only numbers (19). I hope it’s a hot chick with time on her hands and love to give. Hem-hem. We’ll have to wait and see. Other phrases overheard – ‘littertray’, ‘lockedflap’, ‘catsitter’. What does it all mean. More soon – I’m late for my nap.

March 13th 2005 | While Tuvok suns himself in exotic locations unknown, his place has been filled by … KHAN!!!! Sarek says – Big is he, and very black. Not sure how to take him at the moment, but he seems to be settling in nicely. Big tho. And black. He’s less nervous than he was, and being half Siamese has a raspy and distinctive miaow, but he’s looked at me a couple of times in ‘that way’ already and might be on for a chase upstairs. His romantic attachment to the scratching post bears watching.

April 7th 2005 | Khan’s training proceeds apace. He’s already very good at running up and downstairs and playing chasums. He does, tho, seem to believe that if his head can’t be seen (ie in the drapes of a dressing gown) that he is somehow invisible. This makes him easier to bite. Also, he likes to grapple – so far he has seized the arm/leg of the man, the woman, the sister, the doctor and the daughter. Go Khan! Overall he’s settling in nicely, but the acid test will come when he faces, and hopefully annihilates, Stig and Mortimer Snurd next door …

May 18th 2005 | How time flies when you’re enjoying yourself. Khan is now a fully-fledged member of the cat band, and enjoys nothing more than chasing, leaping, biting, hiding and tearing up and down the stairs at least three or four times per day – then sleeping it off on the lambswool bed in the sunroom. He is curious, squeaky and a good companion to Mr Sarek, who has recovered from his loss and joins in whenever the chase is on.

July 17th 2005 | Detente seems to be holding despite Khan’s incursion into enemy territory (Stig’s kitchen) and subsequent return complete with white tufts caught in his claws. Stig AKA Oxo (x-shaped scar on his nose) now seeking a further pseudonym as his new scar has changed his outlook(!) I’m feeling the heat with my heavy ginger coat but enjoying the warm night for a bit of free-range tomfoolery. Man and woman have installed cat drinking fountain, which we both hope will call many a frog to this location for a bit of torment. We’ll have to wait and see. Man and woman also going to ‘prarg’ wherever that is and keep saying the word ‘queeni’ with regards the cat sitting duties. What do it mean?

August 23rd 2005 | Man and woman have returned from ‘prarg’ with beer in bottles and tales of the ‘comnistbloc’ and ‘hotsossij’. Garden is looking lovely and man’s brother ‘daif’ is coming for the weekend. With him is his kitten, ‘jonny’ who was terrified of Tuvok but has yet to feel the terror that is ‘KHAN’, who in the meantime is sharpening his claws on a daily basis and humming quietly to himself.

September 9th 2005 | HE’S COMING HOME! HE’S COMING HOME! HE’S COMING, TUVOK’S COMING HOME! More soon, but the little monkey has apparently turned up at the vets in Northiam, weak but willing with a case of hyperthyroidism and in need of a feed! KHAN unaware as yet, but I’ll be glad to see him again and to hear about his exploits, which the man has threatened to turn into a book …

September 11th 2005 | This is Khan, writing my first blog entry. It has come to my attention that something or someone is concealed in the pink bedroom, formerly a haunt of mine and the ginger’s.

The ginge seems to recognise it but I have not seen its like before. Man and woman however have been cooing over it, saying ‘poorfing’ and ‘toovtoovtoov’ and buying it all manner of tasty treats. Perhaps if I looked as scruffy I would get treats too. However given time it could become an extra playmate/biffbag/chase toy/meal. We will see. Watch this space …

September 16th 2005 | Koff .. koff .. yes it’s me and I’m back .. koff … I’ve been away. I’ve learned a lot about human nature and it stinks, big time. Still, the man and the woman are pleased to see me (sardines, Whiskas, ice cream etc .. yum) and the people at the vets were very nice indeed so maybe there’s hope (and maybe the Pope will turn Protestant) More soon .. koff .. time for a kip now.

September 24th 2005 | I’m still here and I’m feeling much better. Tuvok 1 – Death 0 as I like to say, and I’ll have you and your mum, just let me gather meself. Good food, good vets and lots of fuss – what more could a cat want. If they find out I’m faking it’s all over, but until then .. koff .. stay tuned!

October 4th 2005 | Still here, am I, looking a little like Yoda and feeling better all the time. And so it goes on. Man and woman have filled the shed once again with logs and coal and a warm winter beckons across the frosty fields of Autumn (poetry hem-hem) … as Mozza says, I should go out tonight but I haven’t got a thing to wear. More soon.

October 8th 2005 | Stories have reached me that a new ‘nickname’ has been applied to me, namely ‘Shitti McSquitters’ – this will stop, now. I can’t help the state I’m in, which was namely due to humans anyway, and if the carpet needs cleaning, so be it! The dominance question is hanging in the balance at the moment, with the boy Khan a bit off-balance and not knowing where he stands. Poor little fing! Sarek is more relaxed but still does not know how to take me in my current condition. Things are bound to get better tho’, and whether the ‘waited on hand and foot’ thing carries on when I’m well again remains to be seen.

October 18th 2005 | All well and I’ve been to see me girlfriend to be ‘drained’ so it’s good food and plenty of rest all the way. Here comes the weekend – four days off for the man and woman and plenty of lurv. Watch this space …

October 22nd 2005 | Yaaaarghhh! Garroooooo! Spluuffffft! Cats don’t have baths, period! What a bloomin’ liberty! Oh, the indignity of it all, I’d better wash meself …

October 29th 2005 | As I gain strength and begin to return to my old self, I notice that the man and woman are once again ‘up to things’ in the loft and the top bedroom. I gather there may be a possibility of a loft ladder like the one before and a ‘loftspace’, or ‘starling-killing-ground’ as we liked to call it in those halcyon days. The ginge is excited, understandably, and bignblack won’t take much conversion to the way of the four-storey chase! We await the winter with bated breath.

December 12th 2005 | Loft is finally finished and the house is ready for Xmas. I can almost taste the beef and lamb already. I have not explored the loft yet as the younger and more intrepid members of the household have it in hand. Man is under increasing stress as the ‘genralpublick’ of Hastings wind him up like a clockspring with their Xmas moaning and whingeing. He has secreted a bottle of ‘lefroig’ in case of emergency and now has only to buy a decent gift or two for his saintly wife. They took the kitten, ‘hanner’ to Camden Market but she was unimpressed. Khan is, I think, beginning to soften with age although Stig next door may see it differently. More soon.

January 15th 2006 | OK so I lied, not soon but now. How soon is now, anyhow? Happy New Year to all my feline friends, fans and family. How’s it hangin’? Man and woman continue to tirelessly improve house for we three boys – new shower, new kitchen doors, beds and baskets and soft, soft quilt covers … it’s a cats’ life. Man is wombling on about ‘newrecord’ and ‘publishincontract’ but we will see – he’s been misled before. Woman has seized the reins in her professional life and decided to ‘gosolo’ and teach supply. Perhaps we will see more of her? More treats, more strokes, this could be the year we’ve been waiting for. Also for the faithful – coming soon! A redesigned site in a fortnight or so. Stay tuned.

January 23rd 2006 | Phew! That was a close run thing. To keep the man and the woman on their toes I thought I might flirt with death AGAIN! You should have seen their little faces when I stopped eating and taking my medication. HA! SUCKERS! When I decided they’d had enough I managed to get two visits to the vets, then another two visits (new girlfriend, Spanish, bit stern) followed by almost LIMITLESS treats to try and get me well again. Manipulative? Moi?

March 11th 2006 | Hey! How’s it hangin’? February was very quiet but now March is here, the feeling of Spring is stirring even in my spindly bones!

March 30th 2006 | Tomorrow is the woman’s last day of imprisonment in Stalag Luft Hollington. Tomorrow she plans a party for her compadres at Rhoda’s in the Old Town (invites only, pink monkies!) Meanwhile foreign folk continue to sleep in our favourite rooms and speak in strange tongues while we wait for a chance to befriend them for their tin-opening capabilities. A certain marine flavour to this week with white fish fillets, prawns and what the French call ‘Les pilchards de Glenryck’

May 21st 2006 | Long time no blog! I’ve had a great time at home with the woman while she lets the sixteen years of teaching soak away and the supply work begin to roll in. Fed every three hours, love and television whenever I want, so I’ve decided to take my meds, put on a little weight and make the others’ lives a living Hell. Ha! See the ginge run from my sudden approach and the big black bugger pull his head back from the path of my lightning-fast, Ali-style jab! Biff! Smak! Man has been playing his ‘gittar’ a lot, but no sign of a lynch mob yet. Give it time. Murmurings have reached my ears of ‘forren vizitas’, whatever that means. Less choice of beds, I shouldn’t wonder. Time to get some bed time in before the doors are wedged against my lovely, furry form (hem-hem). More soon

June 25th 2006 | Hello again to all my fans and followers (not you, Stig) – now that midsummer has passed and the nights are drawing in, let’s see who’s who and wassup. Mr Sarek is looking extremely well-fed and lovely at the moment and still winds the man and the woman around his ginger paw with dollops of unbearable cuteness. If they knew about him and his regular nights at the Cat Club they might see him differently. Mr Khan, he of the razor-sharp claws and eating disorder (just kidding, big fella!) continues to guard the house with an eerie thoroughness – if I didn’t know better I’d say SkyNet have perfected the human Terminator and begun expanding their range. And me? Just peachy. I keep the man and woman on their toes re: meds and they keep the treats coming thick (bacon) and fast … this week I hear that our complement will be swelled by one, a Russian visitor called Maria (pronounced Marisha, allegedly) who, in keeping with her pink monkey heritage, will be a welcome addition to the can-opening crew! Man waits dolefully (pun) for the bookshop to be taken over while woman goes from strength to strength teaching supply around the town and English to foreign visitors. What did the sardine say to the cod fillet? Nothing, fish can’t talk but they taste goooooood …

July 5th 2006 | Catblog International – welcome to all my friends in Russia and Spain, not to mention France and Italy. The more the merrier in this house, they can all open tins without any training at all. The ginge, big black and I are in clover except for the temperature (phew!) and cool nights in the garden are the order of the day (?) More soon …

August 1st 2006 | It’s all over, and yet it’s just beginning. From Spain came Raquel and from France, Mathilde. They loved me (and to a lesser extent the ginge and the beast) and the house was full of the learning of English and meals for four (more leftovers) as well as a notable increase in available strokes, beds and kind words. We shall miss them and the liveliness they brought to the house through the warmest warm spell that we cats can recall! Phew what a scorcher! The best plan was to find a cool area in the undergrowth and keep still. The man and the woman employed the fearful fake-wind maker called ‘fan’ which ruffles the fur something terrible, but the two girls were made of sterner stuff and toughed it out. Cooler today as we wait for the arrival of Claudio from Italy this coming Monday. Will he like us? Can he open catfood tins? All will be revealed!
SPECIAL MEDICAL ENTRY! Today the ginge sees the dentist after breaking a fang in mysterious circumstances and to have his mouth washed and brushed up. He has a slightly tougher look these days and his chances at the Cat Club with some of the saucier gals should improve …

August 19th 2006 | Those Italian boys! Good-looking, kind and they love cats! First came Claudio, settling into the blue room and applying himself to his lessons admirably. The man and woman took him to something called ‘airborn’ where they had ‘jetfiters’ and he enjoyed himself. Just last night his friend and co-pilot Alberto (call me Albert) came to stay as well and they got in at 3am, a little the worse for wear in that pink monkey way. They know how to have a good time and they like me too. Good boys. Man and woman have relocated to the red bedroom and the sneaky ginge puts on his cute face at bedtime every night and is taken in, while we hardier members of the ‘Fraterniti Catto’ take to the sunroom where the gentle breezes stir the eaves and the call of the horny owl (toad?) drifts across the moonlit garden … hem, hem actually the sounds of wrestling drunks and nasty, noisy little scooters coming up the hill at a flat-out 13mph, but what the hey … more soon from the world of Tuvok the Mighty

September 2nd 2006 | Claudio is gone! Naturally I am bereft but I will content myself with knowing that one day he’ll come back in his own aeroplane to cuddle me once more. Sarek (‘He is crazy!’) has been wandering the house whimpering to himself and looking under the beds, while the normally reserved Mr Khan has been even more grumpy than usual. Never mind – we think he had a good time and hope he will write from bella Napoli about the crime rate and the exam results. The weather turned as soon as he was gone and now the Autumn is looming (Note – check the logs and coal situation) and the man and woman will have to be content with their two weeks snorkelling while the woman’s sis spoils us rotten and provides use of her A1 lap. A special hello to Alberto – remember, third finger, left hand and you’ll be OK!

October 22nd 2006 | Hola! Man and woman returned from ‘menorca’ with brown coats and tales of ‘sangria’ and ‘patatas bravas’ although how a vegetable can be reckoned brave escapes me. Khan, enraged by the wind, gave the big pot outside the back door a do’boy and spilt earth all over to be tramped through the house by yours truly. The ginge is enjoying ‘preferential treatment’ by being allowed to stay in at night, not out in the ‘sunroom’ (hah – not at three in the morning is it very sunny) but repays the trust bestowed upon him by getting the man up at five to let him out with threats of the dreaded ‘night widdle’. Older member ‘Derek’ is back for a while and has a pile of cushions on the sofa that puts my blankie to shame, but I have managed with the judicious use of staring and squeaking to let him know just where to put his newspaper (ie not on my blankie). Logs and coal (see last year) much in evidence and the estimable Mr King has swept the chimney so that the gift of fire may once more be ours (and the pink monkeys’ of course). House is snug. Times are relaxed, apart from the Waterstone’s debacle, and all is well. Man fretting over ‘newgittar’ although whether he deserves it is open to interpretation. Woman indulges him too much, but it does seem to stop him squeaking. More to follow, so it’s goodnight from him and the lovely me …

November 18th 2006 | Man and woman are sad over news from friends. We shall move quietly around the house and wait and see. Old tom Derek seems to be rallying however, even fibbing about his drugs intake (seriously, a cat of his age) and man’s new guitar has arrived and at least is keeping him occupied. Woman lovely as ever and still able to bear the man – saintly is the word. Fires easily up to last year’s standards and the nightwiddlin almost under control. Man has been ill and will turn away to sneeze, even if it means sneezing over us. Cheek. The lurgy has made him look a bit hamsterish, however, and Khan licks his lips when no-one is looking. Watch this space. Man’s first effort is apparently now on iTunes, so all we need is some idiot to buy a song or two for an exorbitant price and we’re off to that desert island for coconut and lizard surprise!

December 16th 2006 | What is this thing called Christmas, that makes the monkeys run through the town with their purses and wallets flapping, jostling each other and buying any old nonsense just for one day of overeating, binge drinking and watching the TV? All we know is that there will be MEAT, cooked nicely and served in abundance and for that, we’ll believe in any imaginary god you care to come up with. As you may have suspected, there is little religion in the feline world – concerns about good and evil and the finer points of life after death are fine for the pink monkeys, who have too much time on their hands and need things to occupy them, but in the cat world that sort of thing can seriously disturb your nap and who wants to be stricken with guilt every time they take a mouse’s head clean off? No fear, ding dong merrily and a new blanket from Santa please. Merry Xmas from we three kings of Hastings.

January 3rd 2007 | Happy New Year to all my pink monkey fans and furry brothers and sisters! Rumour has it that I might be getting my long awaited thyroid operation and can become once again the cat I used to be! Fingers crossed and wallets at the ready, here’s hoping! Blood tests tomorrow and then we’ll see …

March 3rd 2007 | Ohmigod! How long since I’ve unburdened myself? Too long, say the fans and the followers. He’yah, then …
The man – has found another wrinkly to play with but is keeping up his solo material too. I’ve watched him and he plugs his ‘tele’ into his laptop and his laptop into his amp and proceeds to make strange sounds with it all, some to make you smile, others to make you hurl. He seems happy though and it stops him seeking us cats out for a ‘wigiwigi’ just when we’ve got comfortable on his bed. With that many wires, though, how long before he goes up in a puff of smoke?
The woman – saintly as ever, sees us right with treats and tablets as required and bears up remarkably well under a deluge of supply work, the amount of which I think even she is surprised at.
My homies – Sarek and Khan – are looking forward to the spring just like me and ‘feeling their oats’ (in a nice way) so plenty of chasums and fightums on every floor of this big and draughty old house. Roll on a town house in Asturias and some Spanish-speaking rodents to terrorize! No word from Queenie or Min so we have tasked the man to get the lowdown on the Old London Road sitch!
And as for me, well, I’m lovely as ever and some new pictures are on the way soon …

March 31st 2007 | Sad news, sad news indeed. Old tom Derek who visited on and off over the past few years with his broken paw and his bumped head and was very fond of me (despite swatting me with his Daily Mail if I overplayed my hand) has gone to the great catnip patch in the sky. We shall all miss him – the woman and man are very sad and the ginge is decidedly mopey – only when the old one visited did he stand a chance of getting into the pink room. Once more we shall tread quietly into the spring and offer comfort where we can. Fare thee well, Derek, you can finally have the beers you gave up over the last year or two …

May 6th 2007 | Have you seen the Jack-in-the-Green? With his long tail hanging down? HA! Apparently they’re the size of a rodent so the boys and I are keeping our eyes peeled. Otherwise all is well, man sweet but mopey, woman saintly as ever. And a special JITG greeting to Stig the white cat next door – your mama, Stig!

June 2007 | The middle of the year, and everyone is OK. Man was sad when poor old Chris Fyfe joined the band in the sky, but at last they have a decent banjo player. Woman has celebrated her 40th birthday and if anything looks more wonderful than ever (hem-hem, bowl of Whiskas please) while man is keen on new job he has applied for and has everything crossed (ee-yew!). Sarek and Khan are enjoying the summer but along with myself they were not sure how to feel when the news broke of the death of next-door-based doyen of evil and brother of Stig, Mister Mort. RIP, Mort but the garden does seem quiet, for better or worse. More soon

July 2007 | All quiet on the home front. Three musketeers all well with sightings of Stig at an all time low. Man a little down over the job at the ever-more-like-a-supermarket-or-branch-of-SSs. Woman poorly with a cold and tired after a full and frantic term at St Paul’s – never mind, back to the supply next term and a relaxed regime (well, by comparison). And me? Well the rumours are still bubbling about my op, but the woman wants it done when she’s on school hols so she can keep an eye on me as I recover … she loves me, and rightly so! More soon

August 2007 (nearly September) | As the song says, here comes Summer! Musta blinked or been looking the other way. Ho hum. As the garden continues to look lovely and the ginge-and-black revel in the warmer evenings (when it’s not raining) I find I am under HOUSE ARREST!?! You heard! HOUSE ARREST! And why? Did I kill a treeful of starlings indiscriminately? Did I leave a gift on the hall carpet and someone step in it? Was the death of Mort finally linked by CSI to yours truly? None of the above as it happens. All I did was emulate a literary hero of mine, Six-Dinner Sid, and slip over to the older couple across the way for a little granma and granpa loving and a bowl of tuna! I arsk yer. You’d think I’d killed the Queen and bitten Phil the way they carried on. So here I sit, well-fed and cared for, I’ll grant you, but a prisoner nonetheless. Now I hear on the grapevine that the man has nailed up a plank to keep me in the garden. More to follow as I attempt yet another Prison Break. Call me Scofield …

September 01/07 | SPECIAL MEDICAL ENTRY! Almost forgot! Man and woman noticed old black and deadly (Khan) was crying a lot when he was eating and decided to seek professional advice. Turns out there was a cut in his mouth (bites his claws, I’ve told him about it but did he listen?) and the vet (my girlfriend and her oppos) stitched it for him. He was tender for a while (big baby) but is now sparkling with health and enjoying a much improved outlook, which reflects in his temperament. He still likes to bite the man though, and who can blame him?

SPECIAL MEDICAL ENTRY 2! Yes, me again. Well if they will go on holiday then it’s incumbent upon me to protest so I am (protesting, that is) and have a slightly swollen belly to drive the man completely mad and alter his sleep patterns something chronic. So tomorrow (3/9/7) I get to see my girlfriend Saskia and she will lay her healing hands upon me (hem-hem) and we hope all will be well. Man is grumbly and keeps muttering about ‘wiping out the humans with a genetically altered superbug’ but I suspect a little less Regenesis and a bit more QI will sort him out. It is sweet how he cares for me but he’s soft in the head and could not hurt a flea, poor boy.

Went to see a new vet this morning – the enigmatic WARWICK. He said that I was ‘very interesting and unusual’ as most felines in my condition have one kind of heart difficulty but I have the opposite! It’s the only way with pink monkeys – treat them mean and keep them guessing. Now I have even more drugs (including some developed for dogs yuk) and can cruise along to Hollington and Farley Bank like all the other dealers and fill my pimpmobile with some fine looking women. Hoo-hah! That’s MR Tuvok to you, bro. Seriously tho – I have drugs to make me wee (look out carpets), drugs to improve my heart, drugs for my thyroid and even aspirin to thin my blood. Even the old tom Derek didn’t have this many, and if I don’t rattle it’ll be a miracle … more soon

ADDENDUM | September 20th
Yo. Dysrhythmia, datrhythmia, any damn rhythmia. These things are sent to try a small cat who means no harm (excl. magpies, frogs, garden furniture, Stig next door). Man and woman very concerned so the treat rate is through the roof. Good, eh? Man is too soft by half and would benefit from a good clawing, but as long as there’s chicken and ham and food in the little poncy tins I’ll keep my own counsel. The black and the ginge are very understanding and continue to entertain me in my dotage by beating the holy hell out of one another. More soon … all treats via my Soho agents, Grabbit and Runne PLC.

So the weather’s dropping cold and it’s igloos all round, courtesy of the woman and the wonders of eBay. The placements are on a random basis – Sarek is shown here in the same igloo as Khan (but not at the same time, he’s not silly) – but Tuvok has his own and no-one dares, OK! The warmth, the snugness … it has to be experienced to be believed. In the meantime, it’s the man’s birthday on Monday and he seems preoccupied with the upcoming 49th. Who’s he fooling – I’m 10, that’s 70 in cat years and look at me (koff-koff) – sprightly and wonderful. More soon … let’s see what he gets for his birthday …

TUVOK 1996 – 2007

Rest in peace, buddy …
‘There is a light that never goes out …’